Dear Kometa,

Dear Kometa,
I have encountered my new fear. Poetry.
My English teacher seems to like it because the first one I wrote came from a place of pain and was so real to me. But with each poem I have to write I run through the terror of my past: suicidal thoughts, depression, self-harm, the names for it all: Deb, Sue, Ana, Mia, Cat...
Poetry sends me instantly back. I can't share that to the class. I can't stand up at the front of a room and talk about all the ways I know of to kill myself but I would write a poem on it when all I have to do is write one.
I played it safe. I wrote my poem as a love letter to Darky, but more so a final good-bye. It's sad enough to make me cry so it should be okay.
I came to school this morning feeling sad... I'm only in first period but I needed to write. Telling you makes me feel better.
My worst enemy at school, the one I was told was going to kill my brother a year or two ago, he's the one making me feel better right now. He noticed I was sad. He basically told me to cheer up and gave me a high five. Then he complimented me on my makeup which I was worrying looked awful today.... But I guess maybe not.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,

It's really late (by my consideration, it's not even midnight to be honest) so I'm not gonna write much.
HOLY COW I MADE SECOND PAGE!!!! That seems like a lot of posts.
I'm talking to Sam right now. I'm gonna have to say good bye at some point because he is planning to stay up all night but I don't want to... Can I just pull an all nighter and be dead at Church? Sure... Why not?

Okay. I'm tired. This won't be coherent if I continue... Coherent... Is that the right word?

I don't know...

Bye

Dear Kometa,
No one is around to talk and I just need to scream.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay. That's satisfactory I suppose.
So Sam ugh. The Sam who has a stinking girlfriend that I'm trying to be the good best friend and meet to remind myself not have feelings for him because he's already stinking taken. That Sam. He just told me he has a big crush on me now. Sorry, pretty big crush. WHAT THE HECK DO YOU SAY TO THAT? I don't think any guy has told me that before and now I'm freaking out and he started it with, can I say something and not make it awkward and I mean I was curious so I said yes but how do I not make that awkward? How do I stop liking him now? How do I insist to myself and everyone else that all we are and ever will be is friends? UGH.
I probably wrecked any chance I had with him anyway. And I've probably just convinced myself that we wouldn't work out in a relationship anyway but still... He's amazing and awesome and funny and he makes me laugh and he obviously doesn't like when I'm sad or upset or grumpy. And we talk about buy a castle and having a pet bear and we could be so freaking cute together because I'd just laugh non-stop and ugh. But I did the opposite of playing it cool. I said and I quote: "I honestly have no idea how to respond to this and I don't want to make it awkward or say the wrong thing so yeah." Which I guess is true. I don't. Do I remind him of the girlfriend? Do I admit my crush on him? I probably should have admitted it... That was the chance. But then like, what if we can't be friends? What if he cares about his girlfriend and realizes how hard it will be to just be friends and ugghhhhhhhhh I never ever ever wanted to grow up and have guy trouble. This sucks. Stupid boys. They're dumb.

Sorry.. Blah.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I think it's all okay. Which is scary.
Today is Thursday (duh) and we hung out for like two and a half hours on Monday. I kind of kept it short because I didn't know what to expect or whether I'd want to hang out forever or if it would get awkward. But it didn't really get awkward. We just walked for a while and then got ice cream. Which I ate ridiculously fast because that's how I eat. Ugh.
But yeah. And he mentioned on that day that his girlfriend was his ex now... Which he just sort of slipped in and I didn't really press into further. My friends all wanted to know why and if I was the reason but I don't care. I kind of had guesses anyway.
My one friendish person, who I really don't know I told about this, texted him and asked why and he said the relationship just sort of fizzled, which is kind of what I'd thought..
Either way, he's single now and I like him and he likes me and ugh... We basically act like we're dating I think....
Love is silly.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Another update on my fabulous dating life... I apologize for all this. I never dreamed of becoming obsessed with a boy or something but I literally adore him...
He asked me last night if I would go out with him sometime. I said yes, duh. I've been so happy since then and it's kind of hard having like serious down to earth conversations with my friends when all I want to do is text him. And I'm sorry I don't write more or about things that actually matter or make sense... I don't even know why I continue to write these, I just miss you I guess. And maybe if I tell you, I'll feel like you and I still talk and we aren't going to forget each other and I will always have you around and you'll never be out of the loop.
BUT ANYWAY! Going out with him meant at some point I was gonna have to talk to my mom about you know, dating this guy cause she still kind of controls my life in regards to when I leave, where I go, and who I'm allowed to be with. (Not in a bad way) So I kind of freaked out and thought about it all day and it was making me a little sick to my stomach, although not as bad as I was on Tuesday after I found out he had no girlfriend and really liked me and figured it was gonna end up as us dating. (Which is amazing to think about)
But yeah, he asked me out, and then I knew I had to talk to my mom and I mean I talked to my friends today about it so I didn't want her to find out in a roundabout fashion so I had to figure it out. And I did. I talked to her today and she was pretty okay with it, just the issue of him not being Christian and I am and I mean that is a problem. I've thought about it a lot. Like I'm never gonna be able to marry a non-christian without changing my entire goal for the future. That's why I've told myself I'm never getting married or even dating. I want to go to like Guatemala as a missionary. I don't want to be stuck in Canada cause I married the wrong guy. And ugh. It is a problem and stuff and I'll have to talk to him but I am such a wimp. Like totally. Super wimpy

Anyway... I love you lots and miss you a ton <3

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I went on my first ever date on Sunday. We didn't do much, just walked around and hung out for a while. He held my hand and we kind of cuddled while we walked, which is kind of a weird way to describe it I suppose but he had his arm around my shoulder and mine was around his waist basically (He's like a foot taller than me). And he kissed my head and cheek a couple times and it was super sweet and he's just in general a nice person.
I kind of feel bad now. I know you are really struggling and my happiness probably isn't helping, if anything I'm probably making everything worse and I'm sorry. I do care about you. If you can make it through this storm there are brighter days ahead. I know it's not easy. I know sometimes every part of you wants to give up but you can't. We are made to fight for our own lives. It's who we are. Who cares if the world is against you? You are stronger than it. Who cares if no one likes you? First of all, I do, and second of all, just live to spite them if nothing else. You can make it through all of this, I know you can. You are the most stubborn, headstrong, determined girl I have ever met. You never let the world knock you down, you fight it with all you have. That's what makes you special. That's what makes you you.
Keep fighting. I believe in you. You will kick the world's butt.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I kind of thought maybe you'd like an update... I really don't know. This probably doesn't help you at all and I don't know, I feel kind of bad pouring out my happiness onto you because I know you have some serious struggles going on but I am so incredibly happy and so much is happening and I kind of need to record it somewhere and here's one of the best places I know for that.
Sooooo I have a boyfriend. *dances around*
Also, for the record, apparently when he told me he had a crush he had already broken up with his girlfriend. Which I mean makes sense and is smart and I feel super dumb for not realizing that sooner.
So I don't know if hanging out technically counts as a date but I kind of count it. We've had 4 dates by that standard and are hanging out again on Friday. Yay!
But oh my gosh he is the sweetest guy ever. I never ever thought I'd be in a cliche cute relationship where we argue about dumb stuff like who's better, sweeter, more awesome, or more amazing, but I am.
I also never really imagined my first kiss. It was kind of awkward but oh well, I'm sure first kisses always are. I never really pictured myself in a relationship. I was totally fine with never finding someone... Or I thought I was but now I'm not so sure. I think maybe I thought it was hopeless and told myself I didn't want it.
BUT ANYWAY, he's super sweet and amazing and I think I love him but I'm kind of scared to say so and I don't really know how but I also think I might on Friday since I thought I might last Saturday... And yeah... He's kind of perfect <3

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I am so not ready for summer. I know that sounds weird because who dreads summer vacation? Well I am. I mean, I'm going to have a blast but I'm also working at camp. That means giving up time with my friends and my boyfriend and the internet... It is going to be really hard to do. Samm's kind of tried to convince me to not go but every time I start to cave or mention that it's hard for me too he reminds me I'll have a lot of fun at camp, which is good. He's a stupid reason to change my entire plans.
I'm so scared we are going to break up someday. I mean it is bound to happen eventually in my mind. I want to go to Guatemala in seven years. I don't see any guy fitting into my life plans. But I love him. I really do. I told him so too. Which was scary but nice to have said.
Anyway, enough of me...
How are you doing? How many months is it now that you've been clean? Are you doing well? Have you moved now? Is Alex still being a jerk I need to go beat up someday? I miss you. I miss you a lot. You're like one of the few internet friends I still really really care about.

I hope you are okay.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'm so proud of you for making it this far. I hope your day is wonderful and amazing and just spectacular. I know you can keep going and stay strong. You can do this.
So yeah, have a really good day and happy birthday!

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I know I haven't written and I know we haven't talked. This is gonna be short because I have to go to bed.
I miss you and I do think of you. I'm out at camp, the land of little wifi. Please stay strong. Please hang in there. I know you can do this. I know you have so much life left to live. I love you. I care about you. I worry about you. Please hang in there.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I know it's been a while and I'm sorry but life has just been consuming me.
I think I'm getting depressed again... Or rather I am depressed again.
Apparently all my friends are worried about me and I think Samm (my boyfriend) is too... Which scares me. I don't want people to worry about me. I'd rather die with all of them happy than cause them worry. The stupid thing is, I know I'll be okay. I know I can get through it. I'm sure it's just stupid Mr. Gray and stupid English class. I'm sure it's because of the writer's block that ends every story before it begins or even before it's a page done.
Depression scares me... It literally is the most terrifying thing in my life. I don't want to go through it again. I don't know if I can escape it again. I don't know if I can outrun it. I don't know if I'll be able to survive...
It's not as bad as any other time. I don't have the suicidal thoughts. I don't want to self harm. For once in my life that is not the issue...
I'm just a crappy friend and probably a crappy girlfriend. I'm stressed out, I'm moody, I'm grumpy a lot... I just am starting to hate myself for being so bad around others.
Ugh.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I'm sorry I've started writing so much. My life is a nightmare of emotions and I'm not dealing well. I'm stuffing them down inside me but they keep escaping and I can't take it. I cried for an hour one day at school and then periodically for the rest of the day. I'm scared that it's depression again. I can't handle that again.
Forgotten Purrs is starting to get active again and it's making me happy. I'm an admin now. Bright and I are working on a huge update for it and I'm so excited. I miss you though. I was advertising and I saw a site with Opal as the member of the Month and for a moment I wondered if it was you. She even made an inappropriate joke about the difference between a snowman and snowwoman (snowballs) and she could be maybe... But I doubt she is...
Ugh.
I want life to be okay.

With all my love,

Willow

Dear Kometa,
I wanted to write yesterday but the site wouldn't load. I was afraid that it was gone... I was afraid it was gone forever. It scared me.
English is tearing the life right out of me. I don't want to be a writer anymore. I don't want to do anything. What kind of life will I have if I've lost all my passions?
I'm supposed to describe a perfect day but I can't think of any. Lately all of them are tainted with sadness and usually tears and often now the idea of death. I don't want to kill myself. That's not a fear. I don't think I'll even self harm. But I've thought about how pointless my life seems.
I think I'm going to breakup with Samm tomorrow... We have such different futures. I know we won't be happy together in the end. That scares me too. I love him. I know I do. He's my best friend. I've trusted him with so much and I don't want this to end.... But I also don't think I can let him go on thinking we're fine when I know we won't be fine. Forever isn't something we have...

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Quick update, that didn't really happen.
Today is a bad day. I wanted to cry from the moment I woke up and now that I'm in English I have cried. The class itself makes me want to cry. I'm never going to be a writer. I may as well give up now.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I'm a terrible person. I can't even specifically tell why, I just feel this way all the time. There's no point anymore.
I shouldn't be dating him. I don't deserve him. I'm going to hurt him one day. I'm going to tell him how we can't work out and that will be that. I just don't know how to convince him it's true. Ugh

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I know it's been a while but I haven't felt like writing or talking or dealing or handling or thinking.
I started the New Year with one thought: Great, I'm depressed again. Maybe I'll just go ahead and start cutting again.
It's been hard. I have had happy moments and it's not too bad but then it just sucks.
And I start these posts and don't finish and ugh.
So I'm alive. And I'm struggling sometimes but doing okay...
And I'm a manager at work now.
And my boyfriend needs a kidney transplant.
And yeah..

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
They don't understand. Nobody ever stinking understands. And I don't either.
I can literally be in the best mood and one wrong thing ruins the entire thing. I was legitamently happy like 5 minutes ago and now I have tears in my eyes and I'm mad and sad and angry and ugh. I'm done.
And I literally just told Samm I was good. After I started crying. I'm great.

Frick.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I don't know why my life feels like such a mess right now and I don't know why I'm sitting here ready to cry.
I do know that I feel stupid.
Worthless.
Pointless.
I'm just ready to stop existing, to stop faking, to stop trying to be someone I'm not.
I can't. I can't do this anymore.
You're the only one I'm ever fully okay with talking to about this. Everyone else just seems to make me feel worse. Usually because I feel guilty for dragging them down.
I don't even tell Samm, my boyfriend. He asked me if I was okay, saying that I seemed upset and I told him I was fine. Which I'm not. Why do I do that?
Ugh.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Today I have reached a moment of sadness and it sucks. I've gone to bed angry the past couple days and woken up the same way. I don't get the idea of hope in humanity sometimes and I used to think that was the greatest quality I had. But humans suck. They're stupid and dumb and they argue for no reason and all they cause is pain. We walk through life thinking nothing matters but us so we don't even care about the wake of destruction we leave. But I do.
I have tried so hard to be the perfect person for everyone I meet. I hate being hated and so I will make myself exactly what I am expected to be. I could present a thousand different versions of myself and it all depends on who is on the receiving end. Nothing is ever wrong with me, even when I have tears in my eyes and even when all I want to do is die because if I admit to something being wrong someone else will have to feel for me or change themselves and I won't be what they want. I'm scared of everyone and most days I don't even realize it. I'm the wimpiest person out there and I have no idea how to create my own being or make myself unique because I'll always be what I think they want but in reality I never am. I'll never be perfect. I'll never be the answer and if I am... Well then I won't be happy. Because me, the real me, isn't someone people want or like. But I want to be the real me... Not that I know who that is or how to be that. I'm hopeless really.
It's overwhelming. Trying so hard. I'm tired of trying and sometimes I just want to give up because there's really no point. There's no point in continuing to strive to be what people want when I'll never be enough or I'll never be happy and I might as well content myself to being alone with my misery since I won't be good enough.
I have no idea how I'm friends with Sonic and I don't think I'll ever be the kind of person Halo would hang out with. I swear Fear hates me. You and I barely talk, we just communicate through letters of our own misery. I'm not sure my forum self is who I really am. My school self doesn't seem that way either. How I am with Samm definitely isn't.
I'm too far gone. I'm already lost. I don't know how to carry on like this.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I am the wimpiest person in the world.
I think it's time to break up with my boyfriend and I can think of several reasons why, most of which aren't really now issues but are just future problems but I'm too scared to mention any of them.
First of all, he makes fun of me all the time. It's the friendly, playful teasing but sometimes he doesn't realize how much I take to heart and how self conscious I can get. I literally never tell people when something bugs me and part of it is the "don't let them get a reaction" idea and part of it is just my fear of them not liking me. I need to have people like me. It's even worse when people hate me, or I think they do.
He also clearly doesn't like spending time with my family and I honestly don't like spending time with his. I haven't talked to his sister, who he's been living with for months and I've seen her several times and just never said hi or anything to her and she's never talked to me.
And I just sent him a text explaining a bunch of crap and I'm so scared of what he'll say but honestly, I think I'd be happier if we just broke it off and let ourselves move on and get over everything.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Spring break went well. I was busy. So busy that I barely had any time to myself or my thoughts which I think was good for me. I made friends with a girl from work, not that we weren't friends, but now we're spending time together outside of work and I think that's great.
I think Sam and I are okay for now. I'm not sure he's the one for me but I'm going to try and give it more time. We'll see.
Being back at school is awful. It's the first block and I already have almost burst out in tears and I have no idea why. The whole place just makes me want to give up and quit. Probably because I feel like all my friends don't care about me. So I sit here alone. I hate being alone.
How are you doing?

With all my love,
Missy

Dear Kometa,
Depression is hell. For a moment tonight, I lay staring into the darkness, realizing that I didn't want to live. It's not that I hate my life, I just have this nasty habit of pushing people away... Maybe to see if they'll reach out to try and keep me. Well surprise of all surprises, they aren't. They'll continue on in their merry lives and we'll all graduate and I will just fade from existence like I never even mattered because I didn't. I'm not special or incredible. I'm probably the meanest of the bunch. I have the worst heart of them all and I'm not anything great.
I just want to cut so badly. I want to hurt myself enough to block out this mental pain but I've spent so long staying clean and I can't throw it all away... But I want to.
It doesn't get better. It just gets worse and worse and worse and worse. Anyone who suggests otherwise is a liar.

Sorry.


Missy

Dear Kometa,
I've reached the point where I am dreading my grad trip and dreading my grad banquet and my grad after party. A teacher/parent suggested last night that we try to have a prom and that terrifies me too. One more event that I can go hide in a bathroom and cry.
I'm shutting out my friends. I'm great at that. They've asked me if I'm okay a couple times but we don't talk anymore. I've muted our group chats and I've started to avoid talking to them.
I'm scared.
I'm going to go off to university and have no friends. I'm going to be farther from the people I like. I won't even have my work friends to help make things okay. In the fall, everything gets ten thousand times worse and it's already bad right now.
How am I supposed to cope and how am I supposed to survive? How?

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I'll start this off on a positive note and tell you that Sonic, or MJ as I now feel obligated to call him, asked about you. It was in a sort of casual way, like "Oh hey, why don't we talk to Opal anymore?" and he mentioned that he feels bad every time he sees you on NFS and that he wishes there was some way we could get in touch with you and three hours later when I finally woke up, because the stupid time zone difference will always get the better of me, I piped up and said that I was still in contact with you but I didn't think you had facebook, which is where we all still talk to one another. Of course, you're not alone, Fear isn't there either.

Now on a less positive note I shall inform you that depression is a curse that never goes away and I consider the options of trying to starve myself tomorrow with a mixture of drowning myself in water and sugar free tea as I watch poetry videos where poets put words to the depression running rampant in my head and I'm dying here as piece by piece I fall apart and I've decided to wear makeup tomorrow and I'm not entirely sure why. I'd just finished convincing myself that I was beautiful and makeup was more hassle than it is worth but maybe if I wear the makeup I won't feel so fat because I can't. Stop. Eating. I eat and eat and eat. Candy, chips, pop, burgers, fries and any kind of junk food. My latest favourite is bagels and I'm so tired of getting fat and the fatter I feel the more I want to bury my feelings in another bag of chips. '
Trigger warning I guess I should say

Spoiler:

I can't trust anyone with any of this. A work friend of mine just got diagnosed with depression and she has meds for it now and I can't tell you how badly I want something that might help me avoid feeling this way but I can't reach out for help because I am too scared. I am terrified.
Terror is my new life theme I suppose. I'm terrified of everything no matter how hard I try to behave and today I was with my boyfriend and he kept getting mad at me because I'd mentioned the other day that I hadn't told the university I was definitely coming. He doesn't know how scared I am to leave all this behind and how I can't take 8 months of him whining about how much he misses me when he made a week long trip miserable because he hadn't wanted me to leave. I love him. I love him almost every second I'm with him or talking to him and he can be the sweetest person I have ever known but sometimes he mocks things he doesn't realize are close to my heart or he misbehaves in situations that matter to me or he complains about things I can't change and makes me feel guilty for the things I choose or want to do.
I haven't had a real conversation with my best friend at school since the beginning of February and I don't really talk to any of them outside of school and I'm shrugging off group events to spend all by myself and they occasionally reach out but it's in a casual way like they're waiting for me to reach back and I don't want to because I'm scared they're not real friends and I'll lose them in the fall anyway so I tell myself they all secretly hate me or at least don't care about me and I'm probably a nuisance and a bother and I can't stand the thoughts in my head or the idea that I'm pushing them all away.
I am terrified Opal. Just absolutely terrified.

Dear Opal,
I didn't get enough sleep last night and I skipped breakfast and had a salad for lunch and I hate that I had to eat. I just want to starve myself until I'm too physically weak to carry on. I can barely keep my eyes open. I haven't said more than five words to anyone today I think. I'm just so tired and done and mopey and I wouldn't say I'm really sad, I'm just not really feeling it. I'm so done...

With all my love,

Willow

Dear Kometa,
I had a fight with a teacher at my school today and wound up crying when it really wasn't anything to cry about. Of course, he argued with me until my friend asked if it was really necessary to continue the conversation right then.
The conversation was on the topic of Grad dates and how he believes that no one should decline someone's request to go to grad with them. I told him this was stupid when he said that they should accept regardless of if they are dating someone and he had the audacity to suggest I go with someone other than my boyfriend. Of course, I've considered not taking him but that's beside the point. When I told him I'd be ticked if my boyfriend was someone else's grad date, he decided to call me overprotective, which apparently is a bit of a sore spot for me or something. I know he'd be furious if I took another guy as my grad date. The term date pretty much means it should be your boyfriend, girlfriend, or else you shouldn't be currently dating someone. He's just mad because someone turned his son down, someone who has a boyfriend. It's stupid to try and force people to go to grad with other people or to try and guilt them into it. He guilts people into everything.
Ugh
I still feel like crying. I probably will all day. I was doing so good at not crying.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I made it through my grad trip and only cried a couple of times. There were a couple fun times but for the most part, I wish I hadn't gone. It was pretty hard getting through it all and I just wanted to go home.
It's supposed to bring me closer to my classmates but I feel no closer to them than when we left. If anything, I feel farther from them.
Sam caught on to the fact that I've been avoiding them and asked me what was wrong. I didn't really tell him anything, just that I don't know and that's pretty much the truth.
I don't know why I'm pushing them all away. Maybe it's to see if they actually care or maybe it's to try and make it easier when I leave in the fall. Either way, it's probably not healthy. Either way, they've given up on me for the most part. I've probably been too mopey and quiet, oozing silent hatred that shouldn't be there. But it is. I don't really want anything to do with them and I haven't really talked to msot of them since February.
I'm sick of their pity and quiet concern, occasionally asking "You okay?" Duh. I'm not okay and I'm not going to tell you that. If you're not going to actually figure it out, why bother asking?

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I haven't written because I thought if I needed to talk, I could do it on facebook. I could shoot a message to the group chat and you'd be there for me. But they'd all be there for me and sometimes I don't want to hear that it'll be okay when I'm drowning in my own self-created misery. I don't want the instant comfort or the optimism pressed on top of me. I don't want to spout my problems and have them dealt with. I want to drown in them.
I want to drown, or more accurately, die. I want this rollercoaster they call life to end so that depression can't toy with me anymore. I am not a game. I don't need this crazy insanity inside of my head. I shouldn't have to feel like this. I should be free.
I'm crying tonight because I left my bf's house at 7:30 and he didn't want to me to go home so soon and yet I work at 7 tomorrow so I need to be up around 6 and it takes a while to unwind and I wanted to do somethings on my forum before I went to bed. But he begged me to stay and told me he wouldn't let me leave unless I agreed to spend more time with him this coming week on top of the day and a half I already promised to him. Yet the only day I could add is the one day I decided to go to summer camp and see my old friends. He knows that's my plan and that I work the other days and yet he wants me to give that up for him. When I tell him he's making me feel guilty for trying to see my friends he'll say he's just kidding and part of me wants to believe me but I still feel so bad for not giving him that day too.
On paper, it sounds bad I know. Really bad.
I have no real life friends again. It's been almost a month since I talked to anyone outside of work and my family really. I either work, sit at home, or hang out with Sam.
I am terrified of the fall because I'll feel guilty anytime I spend the weekend away from him, and probably the whole time I'm there, but I won't make any friends if I come home every weekend. He thinks I'm going to meet someone and fall in love, which I doubt.
I have spent the last two hours half trying to sleep and half being depressed. He texted me and I ignored the text. I should text him back but I know all I'd feel okay texting is "I can't sleep" and he'll just ask why and I can't tell him that I've been crying for two hours over how guilty he makes me feel for being so busy. He doesn't know why I stay so busy. I'd almost forgotten myself.
I got a job when I was 14 to keep from killing myself. I got a job at 14 because staying clean was so hard without the extra distractions. I had to stay busy. It was the best way I could find to ward off depression. If I could occupy my mind until it was too burnt out to think long into the night I could stay safe from myself. I am a danger to myself and that danger is lessened if I can keep myself busy.
But gaining a boyfriend, the only thing I could easily cut from my life was friends and so I did, despite the fact that I finally had friends who talked to me outside of school. And now they're gone and I'm not getting them back.
He's all I've got.
And I love him. I really do.
And I know he doesn't sound so good in this story but I'm probably overthinking things and upset over nothing. He loves me. He really does. And I swear if he knew all of this he would be so worried about me which is why I can't even begin to explain how I feel tonight to him. He'd just worry.
Thank you for listening...

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Do you ever just get sad or cry for no reason?
Am I depressed again?
I want antidepressants or something, anything to make it all stop but I don't know how to get them... I don't want to tell people I'm depressed.. Ugh.

With all my love,
Missy

Dear Kometa,
I wanted so badly to just be okay for once in my life. When I moved out and came to university I promised myself I would cry or go back to being depressed. I told myself I'd go out and get friends and I tried but I suck at making friends. The truth is, I'm not great. I'm not the person everyone is drawn to. I am not someone who can talk to people and laugh with them and feel comfortable in a crowd of strangers.
And so two and a half weeks in and I'm crying.
I have zero friends and I don't like talking to my online ones about my feelings.
I am apparently a horrible girlfriend who doesn't even make my boyfriend feel loved or missed.
I must just be a crappy person overall.
Ugh.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
It's different writing to you when I could so easily contact you on Facebook. I know you don't check here anymore and I wish you did. I don't know why but I can't reach out like a normal person would. I leave messages in odd places or subtle signs. Like not talking to people like I used to or setting my profile visibility to invisible on Forgotten Purrs. I try to fade away and hope desperately someone will notice and ask what's wrong and even if they do, I won't tell them what's wrong.
I am a hider. I negate the fact that I have emotional issues because I have no basis for them. I didn't have a crap childhood. I don't have horrible health problems. I'm not in a financial crisis. I kinda have friends.
Except when I'm supposed to talk about my best friend I pick the last person who was my best friend but if you asked me for her birthday, I'd give you the best friend before her. If you asked me for her name, I'd be stumped and hesitate and I might say "Taylor" but I wouldn't really mean it.
When picking bridesmaids for my wedding, I put off asking my only two choices that really seemed right. When I did try to ask, I wanted it to be in person. Top choice for Maid of Honour ignored my texts on three occasions. Second choice left a conversation hanging on my first attempt. So I asked them to be bridesmaids and essentially decided not to have a maid of honour.
I spent my weekend with Samm, mopey and moody. I cried on three occasions. One a simple overreaction because my sad emotions were already high. All three could be boiled down to my lack of friends and my pent up stress/loneliness/ and probably depression. Plus, my worry for Samm because I found out he's been feeling a bit suicidal lately which really scares me.
I'm tired. I am always tired. I know it's a sign of depression. I spend weekends with Sam and I sleep 8-10 hours a night and I'll still be tired and he gets confused and reminds me how much I slept. "How can you still be tired?" and I shrug and tell him I'm always tired. I can't remember a time when my answer to "How are you?" wasn't tired, or I wasn't at least tempted to say tired.
I just want to be okay. Why am I never okay?

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I find myself sleepless tonight. No doubt that will only add to the tiredness when in 7 hours my alarm goes off and I have not had 8 hours of sleep. Even with 8 hours of sleep I would still be tired. I'd be tired with 10 too.
I find myself wondering if I should tell him I get like this in the winter. I mean, as of June, I'll be spending almost everyday with him for the rest of my life, or more likely, his life. I haven't been able to hide it too well these past few weeks so he'll probably figure it out. If I recall correctly, he worried about me last winter too.
I turn to poetry but I avoid the real sad stuff because I can't admit I'm really depressed. I think about writing my own and then remember it never sounds good on paper and I'd have to delete it anyway, for fear someone find it.
I think about my wedding and how I don't have the perfect song to describe us for our first dance. Because songs like "Say You Won't Let Go" appeal to me but then they remind me of that one stupid time when I tried to break up with him and I'll never tell him why but it was mostly because my mom said I should. And I spent weeks figuring out reasons and I had a compelling argument too and he won't let me live it down and it's my biggest regret in our relationship.
It's been a while since I've had a sleepless night like this. I go these long stints where life is grand and I feel alright and then it all fizzles away and I'm left empty.
I didn't tell you in the last letter, but when I cried this weekend and I finally told Sam it was because I have no friends, he spent the entire time trying to convince me I did indeed have friends. But the fact is, I don't feel like I have good ones. A best friend who didn't talk to me from the last day we see eachother at school until late August when I messaged her, despite my promise to myself that I would wait until she messaged me to see if she cared. And I do my best to stick to that and avoid always being the one to initiate the conversation which is how we go so long without talking.
I have internet friends like those from NFS who talk every now and then to reminisce or share big life news.
I have my current site friends who appear on the site and remind me I have 11 threads that I need to respond to which is over 1000 words at the minimum but will likely be at least 2000 and that's a lot of work.
I have a roommate who I can guarantee I wouldn't talk to if I didn't live with her.
And that would be about it.
Oh yeah, and the work friend who insists we'll "hang out soon".
Or the church friends I see maybe once a month for 20 minutes.
Whoopdedoo. My life is fabulous.
And I can't even whine without feeling like a horrible person because I know my life could be a lot worse. I just wish I had people I actually felt close to who I talked to all the time and I wish at least one of them liked me for me and had met me in person.
Ugh.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I don't know who to talk to right now.
It's the middle of the night and I'm just in such a hole right now.
I guess it started with wedding day panic. Most importantly, the key detail of me dreading it. I want to marry him, I really do. I just don't want to attend my own wedding anymore? But I still want a wedding?
In case I hadn't mentioned it, I'm becoming more and more convinced I have social anxiety. It makes sense. For the past year, at least, I've gotten naseous at the thought of major events where I'm supposed to be happy. My grad trip, grad, heck, even my Uncle's wedding was awful. Even events where it's literally just me and my friends. I got sick at the idea of a grad planning session last year. Not a big event, just time with my friends.
I hate it.
I feel awful for dreading the wedding day. I just want to enjoy it and have fun. Is that too much to ask? For one happy night with people?
What makes it even worse is that I saw my doctor today for brith control and I was going to bring it up. But then I got there and I barely wanted to go through with the appointment for birth control. But now I just feel so stupid. I should have told him and dealt with it but now it's too late.
With all my love,
Missy

Dear Kometa,
So much has happened since I last wrote and thanks to Facebook, you know the big stuff. The happy stuff. The stuff it's okay for them all to know.
I know they'll all be supportive if I tell them things like "i just want to cry today". But I also know that I'll probably make them worry. And if I tell them that sometimes I still think about slicing open my own skin, they'll never feel the same.
I don't know why I'm so scared of anyone I love finding out and I'm not afraid of you knowing. It's not that I don't love you. I guess it's just that I know you will never judge me and that this is just a silent way of telling someone I struggle. By the time you read this I might be okay again. It changes all the time after all.
I am happy. I'm married. I have a great husband. I have a nice apartment. I have school. I have a job interview today. I should be happy. I am happy.
I just get bad days. I get days where some small thing sets me off and I think about all the problems in my life. I get bad days where I want to cry but I can't because Sam will worry. Or I want to journal and write it all down but again, Sam will see it and I don't want him to know I keep a diary.
But they're just bad days. They'll go away soon, right?

With all my love,
Missy

Dear Kometa,
I don't know who to talk to these days. I don't feel particularly close to anyone and when something big happens or I feel bad, I don't know who to tell. I don't write in my journal. I don't write to you. I don't talk about things.

So I carry on like everything is okay but it isn't.

I feel like my marriage is falling apart. Sam finally told me he's "unhappy". He won't explain what he means by that but if I ask him if it's me he just says he doesn't know. Which I take to mean it is me. Even if it might not be. So I'm mentally self-destructing and it's amazing how fast that can happen.

This morning it was crying in the shower and tonight it's trying to cut again. Somewhere in between it was long scratches on my thighs and arms. after I'm done writing this I'll probably go dismantle a razor blade so I have something that will really cut. Apparently a paring knife just isn't the right choice.

He's not speaking to me. I mean he does when he has to. He speaks to me when he comes into a room and I end up in tears. He speaks to me when he forgets he's offering the silent treatment but really, I can tell he doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe he doesn't even want me around.

I keep wondering what it is. Does he still love me? Does he think I don't love him? Did I do something wrong?

Bye,

Missy