Dear Kometa,

Dear Kometa,
I like the idea of writing you a long letter or a series of letters. I like the thought that you may never read them or one day you might find them. I like that sort of thing and I know it is weird but just bear with me.
We don't talk much and the idea of losing you scares me. I love you. Maybe not as a sister, because there are things I would never tell a sister but I would trust to you. I love you. I love you as a best friend. I don't want to lose you. I'm sure I've screwed things up and it's probably my fault that we don't talk but I want to. No matter how much I push you away it is just because I care about you. I don't want to lose you... Please don't let me lose you because I'm to big a fool to see that losing you will hurt me so much. I want you to be happy. If you'd be happier without me, say so and I'll do my best to stay away forever.
I remember the days when you trusted me with the pain inside you and I did the same. My pain is almost gone and I want yours to disappear too. I think it still is inside of you. I can't promise to make it go away and I won't bother saying it will be fine someday because even I haven't found that someday. It'll hurt and it will suck and slowly I think you can save yourself. If you wait for other people to save you it won't happen because no one will ever have the right words to say and no one else can make the pain go away. You are strong. You are a fighter. I know you can survive because you have always been stronger than me and I am making it. I believe in you. You may not be perfect but you sure have one fierce spirit and that is what will get you through. Don't stop fighting.

With all my love,
Missy

Dear Kometa,
I'm going through a rough patch an one minute everything seems fine and the next I'm wanting to cry. I don't know what to say and I don't know who to talk to and I don't know how to tell you. See, life will never be easy and I know that but I don't get why it has to be this bad. Sometimes it seems the world is rooting for me to lose. I feel like the bad guy at times because they don't get a happy ending. I want my happy ending.
I miss you. I miss you so much but I don't know how to talk to you anymore. I don't know how to say hey because I never know if people actually like me or if I annoy the [cen] out of them. I don't even know if I swear right. (Though I think that was acceptable) So when you read this, if you do, hey. I'm sorry I'm a loser and an idiot. I'm sorry I'm weird and I'm probably super annoying. I'm sorry if all I do is tell you what's wrong with me. I think you and I are a lot alike and I think that's why we might not always get along but it is also why we work. I love you.
So anyway, I guess I should tell you how my life is going in case you care. I'm just gonna tell you that today at lunch I let a class mate paint my face... And one of them coloured my eyebrows blue. The other one just coloured it and drew really bad drawings, like a fat unicorn, a puppy, a butterfly, a rainbow, a dude named Ryan, and a frog. Oh and an orange. So yeah... It all washed off except the eyebrows so now I have orange eyebrows....

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I'm living in Instagram's secret society for the depressed, suicidal, and selfharmers. Before I left my room this morning I had to look in the mirror and remind myself to stay strong and that I could make it. I'm falling apart and I don't know how to stop it again. I've seen this downward spiral in my life before and I know that it doesn't end well....
Help.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I joined WCC again the other day. I'm afraid Jagged will recognize me because my user is Willer and how could she not notice but maybe... Maybe she will keep quiet. Jay liked me because I played along with some crazy story he made up, even if I was at a loss for words the whole time. It was fun... I've missed forums so much and I am tired of reminiscing in a world that doesn't exist so I found one that does...

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Some people are just made for each other. You can tell when you see them together... But then there are those people who just don't belong anywhere. I'm one of the latter. I don't belong. I have to be distracted or else it all comes crashing down on me and right now I am not distracted. Right now I am dying inside. I tell people I am tired, which is partially true, but in reality it's more that I am.... I don't know what I am... Nothing? Nothing seems to fit.
I wish I could forget everything. I just want to forget the world. I don't want to be here anymore and maybe that is selfish but I think for once in my life I deserve to do what I want. If I had a day where I could do whatever the heck I wanted and nobody would stop me I think... I think I might do it... But I don't.
I'm too selfless to die because I don't want my misery to hurt others and they would be obligated to feel something. So instead I live doing my best to love myself and doing my best to stay healthy and doing my best not leave scars all over me. I can't cut. I can't break again. Once I do, I don't think I will be able to stop and that kind of scares me. At the same time, I want to so badly. I want to physically feel the pain I have inside me.
They say bullies were once hurt themselves and I think that maybe... Maybe cutters and selfharmers are the same. We were hurt. We were crushed. But we care about people too much to hurt them. We don't want others to feel our pain so we let it out on ourselves. That is the sad reality of this world. We either hurt others or we hurt ourselves. Be too nice- you get hurt. Be too mean- someone else gets hurt.
I just want to leave forever. I want to move away from this town because it hurts so much to stay. I want to leave this school because it has too many memories. At some point... At some point you just can't stay any longer and I have reached that point.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
The temptations sometimes are so strong I feel as though I am looking for reason to give in. Today I told myself it had been one month, that I could give just for a little while. I told myself it would be okay that I could control it this time but I know that is a lie. Luckily, I haven't given in yet but there is a lot of night ahead of me. It isn't cutting this time. That temptation is nearly faded, surfacing only once in every few months.
I think I like to put myself in this place where I feel perfect, like some sort of pedestal. I put myself there because I can forget all the [cen] I've done. The problem is that the [cen] I've done is still there and when I get off that pedestal and try to accept my imperfections, it all comes crashing down on me.
Maybe one day things will be okay... Maybe when I'm older.... I hope so....

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Today felt long. Most days do. Everyone in my house woke up late so we were late to school. Other than that, I had a pretty normal day. It starts out with a bible class, this term I have the Power of Prayer. Next I run off to English, where we endure a teacher who doesn't usually seem like she knows what she is talking about. We are currently studying Julius Caesar, and I do enjoy Shakespeare. Julius Caesar shares a lot of similar names with the Hunger Games: Cato, Cinna, Brutus, Octacvia... Pretty sure Suzanne Collins took a lot of her inspiration from it. Next I go to math, where my teacher caters to the idiots. A few people spend most of the time being noisy so it takes her a whole class to teach a lesson and all our work is homework. I do not do homework. Ever. I should be doing my math now but I'm not. Then we have lunch. I spend it with my best friend, Grace. On Mondays I usually get pizza but today there was a mix up so instead we walked to McDonalds. It's fine though, I don't mind. After lunch we have Socials, which is a waste of time but very enjoyable. The teacher is so easy to get off topic. We talk about somewhat related topics but it is just a waste of time. You have to watch out for his exams because while you can slack in every other aspect, his exams are serious. After Socials, I either have Drama or Language. Today was Drama. We did a study project on Christmas in Germany. We have to do a presentation at the school's Christmas Concert (Which ought to be a Christmas Event or some other name because it is more than a concert.)

So that was my day.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Today was yet again normal. I had language today and since I am ahead in my course, I just sort of goofed off all class.
Then I went to work. I've probably told you that I work at McDonald's, and I love my job. I am really quite proud of McDonald's and I get really defensive when people talk about it. I was on front counter, which kind of sucked, but I was getting the food rather than taking orders so it was okay. Since window was super dead, I was usually running for Drive Thru too. At the very end, I got to train a new person on preclose, which is really just gathering dishes and cleaning. I like being trusted enough that they let me train. I'm not an official trainer yet, but I hope to be. I gave in my workbook and I am just waiting to be approved as a Crew Trainer. I'm pretty well liked and most people think I am older than I really am so it should be approved... But it has been a while so I'm not sure.
In a week, I am going on a cruise to Mexico and I'm starting to get excited, but not that excited. I still have the rest of the week to get through.
Well, bye.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
It's been a long time since I have written but I talked to you today. I am currently actually in your country, on my way home and I really miss Canada. In the States, everything seem busier. People all have places to go and nobody seems to care. Your drivers are kind of scary. I'm in LA right now, waiting to catch a flight home. There are so many planes. I think one takes off or lands at least every five minutes and that's just what I can see. One day I want to travel. I want to do it for my job and I want to see the world.
I miss my life on forums, having people to see every day. I want that back. I miss having friends who understood me and it sucks.... I miss you and Halo and Sonic and Fear and Frost and everyone else.
Bye.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Today was a good day. I spent most of it talking to you. We messed with people who will never know we messed with them and I let you on my NFS account. We changed people's humour, location, hobbies. I gave you a rank and you gave me one. You put a link to porn in my signature and I laugh a lot. I love you so much. I dubbed you a child of NFS, the only child I guess and it's evil child. We had a lot of fun and it is all thanks to you.... One day I will remind you of this place and I thought about doing it today but I don't want to... I still need a place to share my heart in secret and that's something I do here. But on day, I want you to read this and know that you mean a lot to me. You mean the world to me and honestly, I think I'm closer to you than I am to Halo and I turn to you first. You aren't what most people will call cool and neither am I. That makes us similar and I like that. I like you. You're pretty awesome. I want you to stay you okay?
I love you.

With all my heart,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I feel like I just tried to kill someone. My brother met this girl on the cruise and she fell in love with him. He pretty much led her on I guess, cause he basically has a girlfriend, and now that he ignores her, she has tried to kill herself twice. Tonight she told me over facebook that if he would just talk to her, she wouldn't let herself die. I didn't tell him. I just sat there. Luckily, she's fine but I don't know if she will try again and I don't know if she will be alive tomorrow. I just want her to be alive so badly because if she dies it will all be my fault. I can't handle that.... I can't live with death on my conscience. I can't handle it. Now I'm freaking out and I need someone to talk to but she's the only one I could talk to.... I hate myself..,. I hate how mean I am and I hate how heartless I can be. She's gonna die cause of me.... God please don't let her die... I'll die if she does. I'll cut again and I won't be able to stop. There will be no recovery if I start cutting again. I can't be that strong.

I'm sorry for being such a [cen] person.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
You think I should tell my brother but I can't... I don't know how to tell him and I don't want him to talk to her.... He'll hurt her again. It'll only make it worse. I've been talking to her today and it isn't all about him... Instead it's about me... Which I think might be worse. She feels bad cause I told her cutting is one my mind again... Which it is... I'll be fine though. I'm always fine. I'll just work myself to death and it'll be okay. I wish I could just die sometimes.... I wish I didn't have to handle this but I do. I have to be okay because I am all she has and I can't just walk away cause that'll hurt her. So I'm lost.

On a brighter note, I work today. I think it'll be with Jeff, the manager who is starting me in grill... If he remembers. He probably won't, he'll probably hate me again but oh well. He used to pronounce my name wrong but I fixed it. He was the first manager to ask me to stay late and so I kinda like him but if he doesn't trust me I hate him. However, if Cheyanne is working tonight I am going to hate it. I wanna swear at her every time I see her. She is the worst manager ever. I think I'd prefer working with Monica or Jamie again (Two terrible managers) I even like Maddy better I think and I hate her with everything in me. She's like the worst human ever.
Maybe I should tell you about this....
I think I will....
I love you....

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I never told you... I don't think I can... I need this secret... With the hope of you one day saving me from myself...
I don't trust anyone. Not fully. I don't trust Halo, my best friend Grace... Not even you. I especially don't trust real life people. I can't tell anyone things that haunt me. I can't trust my secret to anyone because they can't trust theirs to me. Or they shouldn't.... I don't know if that's all there is to it, but I do know that I have trust issues. Maybe everyone does but it's hard. When people ask me personal questions, I give them half a truth mixed with a lie. "Oh I'm good." I might say, but I'm only good for a moment when I'm trying to be happy. I still don't like to be alone with my thoughts. I cry when I hear a song that makes me think of Halo, or I skip it... I can't handle this by myself and they can never know. To me, staying strong also means keeping the issues locked inside where no one will ever see them. To me, it means hiding the crappiness of your life so people can be happy while you slowly destroy and poison yourself. I like to think I'm a nice person. I shouldn't be the judge of that but I think I try... I also think that nice people probably have the scariest minds. I think goody-two-shoes are the ones who need to murder a few marshmallows to the malice out (very specific thought in mind.) I think, and I have thought this over very carefully, that people do not truly realize the darkness inside other people. I think they don't see how personal simple matters are. How the easiest things to joke about can be the most hurtful and we don't even show we're hurt until you've pushed us past the edge. There is a man in my church who once said I was the nicest of the people in my youth. He isn't a man to give out compliments a lot so it stuck in my mind. However, he also calls me "Shamy." I don't know why. This nickname always makes me cringe, because it makes me feel like I should be ashamed of something. I know it's not what he intends and I know he really likes me, but it always hurts. Every. Single. Time. He has no idea.
This is the sad reality of our world. (I gotten quite fond of sad realities... Maybe blame the Fault in Our Stars???) This is what has kept me up till 12:30 tonight where I found myself crying because I heard a song that made me think of you. This is how delicate I am. This is how little I trust and this is how much I trust. Because one day you will find this. I know you will. One day you will smile or cry as you read this and know that I had no one to turn to but you, even if it was only through a letter you would one day find.
I love you so [cen] much. I don't know how I would keep living without you. I love you.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I, like so many others, have fallen in love with the idea of my ability to change. I am starting to doubt the strength of my ability to change. I have spent this past while, so proud of how far I made it without cutting. The truth is, it wasn't that hard. It has not been nearly as hard as my other addiction. That obsession with roleplaying [cen] scenes is something that haunts me and makes me want to tear myself a part. It's the reason I started cutting. If I suck at everything, i figured I might as well at least do the one things I was good at: lying to make people happy. I am a terrible person because all I know I can do well is lie, manipulate, and push people away. Maybe I make it seem like I forgive but I always remember that I did you a favour. I always tell myself I did the right things and secretly you owe me one. At any time I could remind you that you'd be dead without me. I hold stuff over people because I am a jerk. I don't like positions where I'm not holding some power. So maybe that's why I'm terrible. Maybe that's my biggest fault, I don't know how to actually give a [cen] about people. I care in the moment sure, but in the long run it would probably take me two days to forget about most people if they actually died. I don't give a [cen]. You might actually be one of the few exceptions. Maybe I'm an asshole or whatever, but I deserve to be called that. I am a [cen], [cen] person. I deserve all the names people have called me and maybe that's why I am terrified of somethings, because all I know is the dark side of it.
I don't know where this is going, so bye...

With all my love,

Missy.

Dear Kometa,
I'm going to stop all the bad stuff I do... Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about but I do. I hate myself for it and it needs to stop. I can't handle it. I am going to do something bad soon... I am going to break down and fall apart and that can't happen. I don't have the strength anymore, I don't have people I trust... I'm sorry for what I said earlier... I don't know what I was thinking but I really don't know how much I trust you. I can't even get up the courage to show you all of this and that won't help... So sorry. I do love you... I need you. I am falling apart right now and a text from you would mean so much so please... You have to talk to me more because I am going to find the edge and it won't be easy to recover from. I need to be saved.... Please just fix me or say it'll all be okay or something... I can't handle this.... Help me.
Maybe I'll find some zzzzquil to help me sleep... Toni-Liz said it really works...
I'm sorry I've been such a pain in your [cen]. My best days are the days when I talk to you and I'm sorry for everything I've done to you... I hope one day you turn out okay. I hope I don't screw you up permanently.... I love you...

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I told you to check this site out..
I'm falling apart. I can't think of Toni-Liz without thinking of cutting and I feel bad not talking to her but I can't talk to her... So I just read her messages and put my phone down and ignore her. I try not to think of her but it keeps me up at night and I cry. I haven't cried so much in a while. I'm crying now, in the middle of the living room. I can't help it. I can't stop it. I just... I can't stop think of how easy I could get a razor blade or how close a pencil sharpener is. I can't stop wondering if suicide would really be that bad of an option and I can't keep myself together much longer. Tomorrow is a new year. Tomorrow is a fresh start. But it's still just another day and I still can't put the past behind me. I've had so many new years and all of them haven't fixed me. I'm still just myself and I hate myself. So what does it matter? I need a fresh start and the new year isn't enough....


With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Happy New Year or Crappie New Year, I don't know. For me it's just more days to prolong my life. My Christianity is the only thing that keeps me alive and I'm starting to lose faith... I don't see the point and I don't see why I should keep living. Maybe I am a terrible person but doesn't that mean I should die? I don't want to be here. Kyle hates me, probably as much as he hates Toni-Liz. Toni-Liz just likes me cause I rant to her. You haven't even bothered to check out this site. Halo... Halo I doubt she cared. Fear never talks to me. Sonic doesn't care I bet. My best friend Grace is just a person to pass lunch hours with. When I think of what the letter 'A' could represent in my life the word I get is Average. Not Amy, not amazing. Just Average. 'B' is for Bitter, 'C' is for cold, 'D' is for determined, which might be a plus but then it's probably a lie I tell myself. Maybe 'D' could be dishonest. I decided today that I would fill my diary with thoughts on how letters represented me. Maybe if I actually manage to somehow become a writer I can write on my life's failures and people will enjoy the mockery I've made of life. I don't know anymore... I wish I had someone who cared enough to talk to me more... Please just text me sometimes, okay?

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
On Monday, ToniLiz told me someone at school is going to try to kill my brother. I'm really scared. We have had two snow days so he has been safe but tomorrow we have to go back. I'm going to take a knife just in case. I have to keep him safe. O know I should go to the police but I don't think I have enough proof....

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
It's been a while since I last wrote, guess I've been feeling better. I've been busy, so that helps. And tired. Always so [cen] tired. Also what the heck is with the censors? You're not a censor kind of person.... Or are you? Or maybe swearing is against this site's rules... Hmmm. Anywho, so I wrote a story for a contest today. I placed second last year so this year I hope to give it more work and place 1st... But who knows. It's about a wave and it ends up falling for a human. Then she dies and he turns into sea foam.... So romantic. *Sigh* not really but I hope the judges will be impressed. That contest is the only thing that makes me believe I might actually be good at writing.... I mean I can handle it. I might be actually good.
Anywho,

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Again, it's been a while since I last wrote. Last night I had trouble getting to sleep. I kept crying and I didn't know why. I don't feel close to anyone and that kind of sucks... I don't know what to do. I don't know who to tell. I need somebody to talk to but I can't... I'm so alone and I hate it. I hate myself and I don't know how to change that. I can like myself if I ignore the past but then it all comes rushing back and it hurts.... It hurts so much. I need help... I'm scared. I'm scared to live a life where I will never trust anybody and never love myself. All I do is focus on myself and I'm such a self obsessed jerk. Gotta go to class...


With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
You've started a letter to me and I feel as though I should continue this but I don't know what to say. Lately I've started writing my thoughts in a letter to Darky. Letters help. They help handle everything and there is a lot of everything to be handled at times. It's been a while since I've written here but as always, it is safe to say I miss you.
I miss you a lot. I miss a lot of people right now and you are high on that list. I miss my old life, the one where I knew I had friends through the internet. I still have those friends it is just that they are so distant from me and I feel like a bothersome little kid when I try to talk to them.
I came to the realization tonight that I am a deeply sad person. I have a lot of sadness and hurt bottled up inside me and one day I am going to explode or break or something. I'm liable to end up in a psychiatric ward. I'm insane. I just have a solid surface and it can be hard to crack through.
I am also a very timid person and I hate that. I am terrified of new experiences and not fitting in and so I am that quiet kid everybody has no clue how to talk to. Except that isn't me. I want to be the loud person who is the life of the party. I want to let my craziness show I just don't know how. I quietly slip in my personality but it is just a very muffled watered down version of myself.
I can't remember being that quiet person when I met you. I'm not as timid online but I still overthink everything and extremely cautious.... Unless I'm angry. I don't remember much about meeting you aside from vague details but I can imagine I was a pretty angry person. I would have been loud and had plenty to say. I wouldn't have been afraid because I was standing up for my friends. That's one thing I'm good at: standing up for friends. I'm sure you saw that a lot.
People are always telling me how perfect I am or seem to be. They say I'm forgiving and see the good. I don't always think that is true. I see the bad in plenty of people. I just don't like to speak my mind. I can't stay angry because I feel like I'm hurting the person I'm mad at. I don't forgive them, I just choose not to hurt them and hurt myself instead. I hurt myself all the time, maybe not physically anymore, but emotionally and mentally I am tearing myself apart. I can't decide if physical or mental pain is worse for me... I feel like the mental and emotional pain is worse. Sometimes I just don't know anymore.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
You want to know if you will ever heal and I think you will. I don't think it will be sudden and maybe you will never be 100% normal but no worthwhile person is perfectly normal. If you were normal I probably would never have become friends with you. After all, you're almost two years younger than me.
These days pass by so slowly and while I have my Forgotten Purrs friends and now my Wattpad friends, I still miss the old days on an actual forum. I miss the people who knew I was crazy and I didn't have to think before I talked. I'm pretty good about keeping my filter on all the time... But you guys definitely know what I am like with no filter.
And my friends from camp keep distracting me so this is short but I can't finish it...
Sorry.
With all my love,
Willow

Dear Kometa,
I keep starting these letters and they get deleted and I don't bother to retype them so you can see them. I know I should. You are worth the effort but I'm just too lazy to bother. Sorry.
Last night I couldn't sleep. Probably because it was my last night before I would have to start waking up to go to school. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to have people all around me who I don't know how to talk to.
I want to see my best friend. I want to show her the conversation I've had with this guy I met on Wattpad. He seems sweet and I want her to tell me if he's acting like he likes me. I thought maybe he did but we haven't talked in a while and I don't know what to think now. I'm waiting for him to message me first. Is that so hard?
It's weird. I don't want to fall in love. I don't want to get married or have kids but at the same time I really do. I want a guy to like me and I am so scared it will never happen. I hate the idea of online relationships but at the same time... maybe I'd do better at an online one than a real life one. I mean, I can keep online friends and my real life friends I don't have many I really care about...

Anyway,

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
You say you're getting bad again, well so am I. It's my birthday and I tell people because I am terrified of not being remembered. I could go year after year and never gain a new age if I didn't remind people, or at least that is how I feel. You feel lost? I understand. I thought of cutting today. Not in a serious way. Not in the kind of way where I was actually going to do it, but the passing thought as I remembered what my own blood pouring out of an injury I caused would be like. I thought of how I'm two years clean.
Today was hard. I did a lot of crying. This is my first birthday my Grandma isn't here for. Last night I thought of how she would have enjoyed seeing my blue hair. Oh yeah, by the way I dyed the tips of my hair blue. Today was hard because I told people from mescal about how my grandma passed away. I partially confessed to avoiding her and telling myself I didn't caring. I pushed her away and now I never have the chance to be close to her again. I realized I would never get to tell her about camp.
Today had good elements too. I woke up at Encounter, a part of summer camp I used to absolutely love and to this day I consider it the best place on Earth. I spent my Friday not at school, but in the woods building fires and having friends... Sorta. I woke up to hear people with me a happy birthday before I'd even gotten out of bed. I worked, which sounds boring and awful, but was pretty fun. I worked with this guy who I bug and he bugs me and we just have fun irritating each other.
I was most excited to see if you wished me a happy birthday. I knew you would. I was excited for your letter to me. I'm always excited for your letters to me.
Old habits die hard. I could so easily hate myself for what I do. Even now, I know that when this letter is done I am going to go back to an old habit I should be abandoning. I am going to destroy myself piece by piece. I'm not going to self-harm... I'm not there yet even though my blades are only a few steps away. I'm going to do something that eats away at my mind and haunts me. I hope I resist... I really do, but I don't think I will. I need saving, but I don't trust anyone who can actually save me. All I have is you. You, a person who lives miles away in another country and across the continent. You, who I have never really met. You, who I may know better than anyone, but I will never truly know. All I have is you. Please don't leave me or even that will be gone.

With all my love,
Missy

Dear Kometa,
It's the middle of the school day, not even lunch yet and I am so ready to cry. All I can think about is cutting and suicide and how depressed I've been these last few days and I can't keep it all in. I just had to go get my photo taken and I bet my eyes looked so dead because that is how I feel. I'm lost. I'm alone. I don't know how to keep coping and I just want to cry. Help me... I don't know who to talk to. I don't know who still cares. 2 years... I've been clean 2 years. Why is it not easy? Will it ever be easy? How can I go 2 years and still have blades tucked away in my room? How can I be so desperate for a release and yet have gone so long?

Save me... Please. Just talk to me somehow. I can't reach out to you because I'm too scared of annoying you, no matter how much I know you won't mind. I need to know you care....

With all my love,
Missy

Dear Kometa,
I'm hurt, sad, angry and frustrated right now. My best friend switched schools over the weekend and guess what. She forgot to mention it to me. Last block of the second day I text her to ask what is going on since people have been saying weird stuff to me like "Grace is leaving you" and "She's not on my attendance list" and she says she switched. No good bye, no warning, not even the courtesy of explaining why she didn't show up on Monday. She ditched me and she didn't even tell me. Now I'm alone in my class and I feel alone in my school. The one friend I had here is gone. I was feeling down for the past week or two and this just made it all worse. I have had to hold in tears all day and I can't believe it. How could she? I feel like I've been stabbed in the back because I trusted her to always here for me.

Thanks for listening...

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
It's bad.
I miss you. I need you.
I've cried a lot today. I'm dying, inside and sometimes outside. I've opened an Instagram vent account. I'm lost.
I can't help but thinking she left me cause I was a bad friend... She probably hated me.
Suicide and cutting have been on my mind... Please... Talk to me. I need you right now.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,

So ugh, you never come on here these days anyway, but here goes.
I think I maybe sorta kinda have a crush on this guy I met on Wattpad.
There I said it.
Maybe he likes me back. Maybe he doesn't. He probably doesn't.
But he was the first person to send a message. I didn't find him, he found me and talked to me. He calls me by name a lot, like not Willow but Amy. It's weird. He's from Nigeria but he lives in Canada and yes, we don't talk tons, but when we do I know I don't want to say something bad or mess up.
Ugh! I am so normally not into the online relationship idea but I don't know... I think I really like him.
He's gotten my mind off the bad stuff and that's nice...

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I literally wrote the last letter like half an hour ago but I just had a thought:
What if he is a serial killer or something? Like oh my goodness, he lives in the same country as me and you knew a stinking lot about me, just imagine what he'll find out. I mean I really like this guy but on occasion he weirds me out and just now it hit me: I don't trust the decency of general human beings these days and he could be pretending to be all nice when he just wants to kill me....
Okay, probably a good time for sleep..

Good night,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I haven't worked on my story in like a week. I haven't done any worthwhile writing. I've just been sad and mopey. I'm lost. I don't know how to find myself.
Cutting is a thought all the time and each time it pops into my head I feel that much closer to caving and self harming again. I'm afraid. I miss it. I miss being able to control the pain. I miss having a way to actually release my emotion and instagram is not enough.
People on Instagram keep talking to me and it's nice in a way, but I hate feeling like I don't have a reason to be this sad and depressed and they ask me what's wrong and I just don't know.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Today I discovered a new fear of mine. I came home to discover my blade was not where it should be and my heart nearly stopped I was terrified. I was terrified of what my mom would think, because it was probably her who had it now. I was terrified of when she would tell me she knew and the talk that would follow.
As it turned out, it had only fallen down and was still safe in my room. I put it back in its better hiding spot, back with the other ones.
I have three. I have them not because I cut currently and not because I need them so desperately. I'm close to that point. I have them for reassurance. I know that when things do get so bad that I can't cope, they will be there to keep me from the very edge. This is the reason I struggle to tell people not to cut. I know what self harm is. I know that as much as we hate ourselves, it is a part of why we hate ourselves.. Or it was for me. I know that cutting isn't what society deems proper, but at the same time it is so necessary for survival sometimes.
I'm afraid to go back. I'm afraid to explore that addiction again. I'm getting closer... I can feel it. I need saving. Skype me, okay?

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I miss you. I miss you a lot. I don't miss you just because I can tell you all my problems, I miss you because you always had a way to make me smile again. You brightened my days. We are totally different people, but we got along really well. I miss that. I miss the closeness we had.
I miss having someone to talk to every day. I miss having someone I could tell the little gossip of my life too. I might never have a person like that again...

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I worry about you. I worry that one day you will be gone and then who will I trust with all of my secrets. I worry that I will lose the truest friend I have... The only one who truly knows me.
I've relapsed again... Not with cutting, but my other fear and addiction. It leaves me feeling terrible. It makes things worse. I'm afraid that I will never be able to stop... I enjoy it. I have fun... I hate it. I regret it... How can two feelings so opposite be in regards to the same thing?
I miss you... Please...

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Halo started a group chat with and Sonic this morning. It's kind of awkward, I don't know what to talk about, plus the time difference gets in the way. It's nice though. It reminds me that they still care. They want to talk to me.
I miss you a lot. I worry about you these days. I know you aren't doing well and I haven't been doing well myself.
I just want you to know I care about you. I don't know where I would be without you. Probably not two years clean. I probably would be a mess. You've helped me so much. You've made me a better person. You've taught me some patience, but also that sometimes being wild and crazy is a good thing.
I know I'm a terrible friend, I'm sure you've seen it to.
I don't think of you as a little girl. I don't think of you as a someone who ruined my life.
You're the person who as there when no one else was. You're the person I trust with every single one of my secrets, no matter how deep, dark, or scary it might be. I've never had a friend like you. I don't trust that completely. Ever. I don't know why I opened up to you, but I did and I don't regret it. I never have. You're my best friend. You mean the world to me. Without you, my world is falling apart.
I love you so much. I've said this before, I'll say it again. You're not a sister to me but you are so much more than that. You're a best friend. You're the person I would trust with my life. I trust you more than family. I would die for you. I would give up everything I have to save you if I had to. I admire you, look up to you, and you never cease to amaze me. I'm also a little scared of you, worried for you, and I never know if you are okay.
I love you.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I'm sick right now. My throat is killing me, my head is throbbing and I can barely stand. I just want to shut the world out. I did a lot of sleeping yesterday and it helped shut out the pain but today I'm not tired, just in pain.
I don't know why I'm writing this later, I don't have anything to say. Or do I...
I talked to my school councillor the other day. I told her about my grandma dying and my best friend stabbing me in the back and switching schools. She asked if I still talked to my online friends. I didn't know what to say. Yes, I do, but it isn't the same. I don't have NFS anymore. I can talk to Halo and Sonic but its on Facebook and they have real names... I don't want to be Amy, I want to be Willow. I talk to you but it's through these damned letters and you write back but I feel like I'm waiting ages for a response and I feel like I'm falling apart in between.
I'm not suicidal. I realize that. I have these moments of happiness and uncaring where the stupid world doesn't matter. Of course, I also realize I have zero friends in real life that I actually talk to. So I have like friends, but none that I really trust or count on. And I have like almost no online friends left that I'm super close to.... Which essentially makes me a complete loser. I realize that.
I'm gonna stop before I get all sobby and throw myself a pity party.

With all my love,
Missy

Dear Kometa,
Remember that guy I told you I might maybe be crushing on that I met on Wattpad? Well I'm talking to him again. We haven't talked in like a month but he just makes me feel jittery... Is this what crushes feel like?
If a fried was telling me this I'd be all judge and super suspicious of the guy but I'm totally freaking out over how I might like him. He's so polite and kind and he doesn't have any rude things to say and maybe it's hard to keep a conversation going, but I've always been like that. I don't feel desperate around him because he always tells me we should talk more and he was the one to find me, not me searching him out. I wonder what you would think of him. I wonder what you are thinking as you read these. Do you smile? Do you think I'm weird? Do you shake your head and wonder why you still bother with me?
Back to the Wattpad Man, let's call him Victor, cause that is his name, but not his user and I don't know if I want to give you the ability to stalk him (although you probably can just from that...) I wish I knew how to flirt sometimes but I really don't and what if I do it by accident or something or if I really like this guy how do I show him without throwing myself at him in some obnoxious way? Agh. Boy problems are so not something I am mentally equipped to handle... Maybe Halo knows....

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I'm in Florida right now. I'm in the same time zone as you, the same country as you, on the same coast as you. I miss you so much and yet I am so pathetic that I don't want to bother you by talking to you. I keep trying to convince myself that I can never bother you or irritate you but I can't. I can't tell myself that, I can't believe it anyway.
How to two completely different people become friends? We shouldn't be friends. We are so utterly different and yet we both broke down and lost it at the same time. I miss you so much.
I miss you.

With all my love,


Missy

Dear Kometa,
I think I am doing okay and then something hits me and it all falls apart. I do something wrong. I remember everything I've lost.
I thought I was okay, but I'm not... I'm just throwing things into the gap inside myself trying to fill it and it isn't working....
I watch porn now... I've sunk to a new low. I not only roleplay sexual scenes, but I have actually watched pornography now... I would never ever ever tell anybody this but you... Because I trust you... I am so ashamed of myself and i hate myself and it needs to stop... But I can't. Every time I try I can't do it. I just go back to making the same mistakes.
I want to stop. I want today to be the day. I want this to be the end.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Wanna hear a fun story? Of course you don't.
I think I like this guy at my school... Unfortunately one of my friends likes him and she's been like obsessing over him and and jealous of other girls and really hard on herself so I haven't mentioned it to them... But I try to talk to him but I'm like super awkward and not trying to appear desperate, oh and I usually attempt this over the group chat on Facebook for my class. But this kid is like a really ginger guy and he's short and he has green eyes and he's really fun to be around. He's new this year, but he fit into the class like right away and it's like he's been there forever. UGHHHHHHHH!

Welp. That's my life...
Wanna hear about my online life? That's wayyyy better.
So I'm the vice-administrator/code queen of my friend Feather's new pro boards site. To be honest, I kind of feel awkward on it because I know a lot more than her but technically I'm second place. I don't roleplay cause I have a lot of codes and fixing up I need to do... Oh and now I'm Global Mod on Frosty's site. Which is super awesome and I like totally asked for it but now I'm staff on the other site and I don't really have time for one of them let alone two. But ya know, that's cool.
Oh and I work like a crapload over the holidays which means I won't get much sleep and my parents want me to do stuff with them but I don't have any time... ever. Blah. So yup. That's me. How are you doing?
I want you to know I'm proud of you. I think of you all the time. You are the only person in the world I care this much about. You are the only internet friend from the old days I still frequently attempt to communicate with, even if it is in this flawed manner. I mean Sonic and Halo talk with me sometimes on FB. Fear is lost forever and Frosty appears sporadically on FP.... But I don't talk to them... I just exchange pleasantries and hope they don't realize how lame, broken, or really stupid I am...
I never thought I would trust anybody like I trust you... The secrets I keep it's the reason I never want to get married or have a boyfriend. The secrets are why I hate myself for liking somebody because I know I will only hurt them in the end... But maybe if I can trust you with them I can trust somebody else someday... Maybe I can be forgiven...

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I know this is late but Happy New Year! It may feel like just another year full of 365(or is 6 this year) days of "just another day". I know December 31 to January 1 is just one day to the next but maybe it can be a chance to save yourself.
There is always a way to save yourself. I have to believe that or I'll lose all hope. I know you aren't religious, but as you probably know I am. And I hope you don't mind that I use this place to rant a bit.
They say that God wants to heal people, that death is not part of his perfect plan. (they being mainly my youth leader). Somehow to me it comes across as, if somebody dies in your life, it wasn't God, it was just Satan and you didn't pray well enough. Apparently it doesn't need God's stamp of approval so Satan can do what he wants and God doesn't have to step in... But I don't get it. If God wants to save people how come people die even when I pray for them? If I pray for them, if I beg him to save them or bring them back, and he hears it, like I've been told, then he has to make the decision to do nothing. I told you my grandma passed away this summer, right?
I have been struggling with my faith and God ever since and I am so lost and confused but I can't tell anyone because I live my life pretending to be the 'perfect child' and the 'perfect christian' when I'm one big mess who quietly breathes out curses. I make a terrible Christian. I don't even like to mention my religion, let alone be evangelizing with people.
Oh yeah, for example, I've recently had it explained to me that being close friends with non Christians and not sharing my faith with them is a sin. If my friends reject it, I should essentially ditch them... Which means either I should be throwing my faith in your face, or I should not be friends with you... Sucks huh? Well screw that.
I hope the new year brings better stuff for you. My 2015 sucked. I'm trying to make my 2016 amazing... The end of 2015 was pretty decent anyway...

Love ya!

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I cannot believe I have been writing these for well over a year. I love you so much. I think of you all the time.
I have to write a short story for a contest and I just don't know what to write... I feel so short on good inspiration these days... Miss you. Wish we could talk sometime.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
One day I hope we both look back on this time and think of it as hard but a learning experience. I hope you have a chance to look back on this years. I hope that the decades pass and you are still alive and I am still alive. I hope that we both survive this and we both stay friends.
I know we don't talk and that is hard sometimes. I wish we could. I love you so so much. I think about you all the time and wonder how you are doing.
I know I'm paranoid and stupid and I can't really help it. I don't know if you still care about me. I don't know if anybody does, but I hope they do. I hope that everybody doesn't forget me. I want to be remembered. I want to leave a mark on this world... On somebody.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,

It's a constant battle. Will I ever be free of all the sadness? Will I ever have a smile that is real and actually lasts? Will I ever be a student who actually does the homework?
I have all these dreams and I don't know if I believe in any of them coming true. I bet I'll never actually publish a book. I bet I'll never go overseas. I bet I won't get accepted to my university or that I'll be too broke to actually go. I bet I'll never become anyone that matters. I'll probably wind up that dumb person who works at McDonalds their entire life. Ugh.
I'm a wimp and I cry over nothing. Maybe it's because I'm hiding all these feelings and sometimes little things bother me.
I'm probably going to fail both my exams next week. I don't get the match and I suck at Civics cause I need to know what the heck Canada is doing in the world.

I'm sorry.

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I want you to know how proud I am of you. Not just because you are 5 months clean but because of how strong you are, even if you don't see it.
You were one of the reasons I wanted to recover. I think some part of me wanted to show you it was possible. It is possible. I know how hard it is. I still feel the temptation and struggle with it constantly. It can be done though.
I hope you know you can talk to me about anything. I will always be around if you need to get a hold of me. Email me. Text now probably won't work. It keeps stealing my number so I am done with it. Send me a PM here or on NFS. Wattpad message. If you ever EVER need to talk, I will do my best to be there for you, okay?
Anyway... For English, I have a teacher I absolutely hate as a teacher. We have done pretty much nothing. Except now he assigned a three page story on a choice. Mine is about a girl going to commit suicide. She climbs this mountain, writes her note and stands at the edge trying to decide whether or not to let herself fall... She does. I just feel like the story is too dark and so personal and I don't want to write a new one but I don't want to give it to him.

With all my love,
Missy

Dear Kometa,

Why is it so easy for my Dad to make me feel like a stupid, worthless idiot? All he has to do is point out one flaw and I want to cry. My day was going okay... Until then.

Ugh...
This is stupid. I'm sorry.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I haven't written in quite a while and it isn't because I don't love you or because I don't think of you. I do think of you... A lot.
It's just so much has happened and so much is going on and I can't put it all into words and I don't have the time.
I went to Guatemala. It was amazing. I want to go there as a missionary full time someday... I wonder if I'll ever have time to meet up with you or Halo or Sonic or any of them really. I have these big plans and I just sort of cut that one out of them.
I'm really happy right now. It isn't that I don't have bad days and my English teacher literally makes me feel damned to hell and he teaches terribly. It isn't that my life is perfect. It's hard to explain but I'm happy.
Maybe I'm missing something and maybe the darkness will strike soon but for now... I'm having a good life... I hope yours is looking up. I hope you are still going strong and six months or so clean now. That would be half a year. Even if you aren't I'd still be proud of you. I just want the best for you. I don't want you to end up lost and forgotten or dead. I can't even picture how I would react if you died. I don't think I'd be able to go to the funeral... That makes me sad. I might not even find out. Is it weird to ask you to let them know in your suicide note that I deserve to hear the news?
I know I never thought of you as a sister but more of a weird best friend or cousin type person but tonight I was thinking about it and I wonder if maybe I do... I know I would be so furious if anyone hurt you and I know I kind of feel like a big sister to you. I love you a lot and I feel a little protective over you...

Anyway.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Maybe I spoke too soon...
The depression or whatever this is hit full force tonight.
Today in English I want to the bathroom and cried quietly for a minute. No one seemed to notice so it was okay. Our teacher assigned a hymn we have to write for tomorrow. It needs to be four stanzas and a refrain. 130 words minimum.
I can't write it.
I tried tonight and I burst out crying. This led to full on sobs for around an hour or so. I cried or almost cried for probably three or four hours and it isn't fully over yet. I tried everything to cheer myself up. I went outside and looked at the stars. I talked to God. I talked to myself. I hugged my dog, who clearly knew something was wrong with me. I ranted and sobbed and cried and whined and complained and drowned in self-loathing and everything I thought I had said good-bye to.
I hate myself for it.
Then my friend asked me how I was doing... So I told her and my other friends.
I also messaged Toni-Liz... I think I told you about her about a year ago...
I feel a little better now.
My friend sent me an awesome message with a great verse. I feel like an absolute jerk for not responding but I also feel so apathetic... I think that's the word... Empty works too I suppose. I had nothing to say except maybe thank you...
Then she texted a classmate of mine and he called me and now we are talking and it's really helping.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
I keep trying to write this stupid hymn but I can't. I can't write praises to a God I am still trying to understand. I can't praise a God who I question if he even exists. I can't praise a God when I don't see the hope he's offering me. All I can think when I try to write it is how bad I am feeling inside.
I'm terrified Opal... I am terrified of falling back into the depression. I won't be able to escape again. If I cut again I will never stop. If I fall into depression, it won't end well. I've been fighting for my happiness for so long and watching it be torn away from me is terrifying. It makes me angry. It makes me feel helpless. Is happiness even a real thing? I don't know anymore. Overtime I think I've found it, it is gone again.
I'm suffering and I'm struggling and I don't know who to tell. Who do you tell when you're forming a list in your head of all the ways in your house that you can kill yourself? How do you tell people you've planned out your death over and over again and you have a way you'd like to die way in the future but if you have to go sooner you have another way too? How do you say that?
My stupid teacher, Mr. Gray is his name, he made us write slam poetry or spoken word poetry or whatever yesterday. They were on the topics bullies, depression, suicide, and loneliness. We had 20 minutes to write them and then we had to share. I had to write mine on bullies. So I wrote the true story of the bully in myself and how I destroyed a girls life. And I shared it.
I've cried four days in a row. I'm tired of crying. I hate crying. I feel ugly when I cry. I feel weak. I feel wimpy. I feel pathetic. I feel like an attention-seeker even if I don't tell anyone. Is this seriously how the world works?
I hope all the joy I've lost is making its way over to you. One of us deserves happiness, I know that and I hope it is you. I love you so much.
I need you to be okay and I need you to have a smile and be doing great. Right now you are my hope in the world. You are my reason for living. You are my everything. You are my life. So please... Please be okay and if you're not, that's okay too... We all fall sometimes...

I love you.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
Spring break has kept me busy. I almost didn't even write this to you. I was going to write it to Darky, which is my version of a diary. But I don't think this is the kind of thing you write about to your dead imaginary boyfriend...
There's a guy. Maybe I've told you about him before, I'm too lazy to check. Anyway, his name is Sam and he works with me. He's funny and easygoing and most of our conversations are an exchange or sarcastic insults. We get along well. Before Spring Break we never really talked outside of work but we both have fun when we work together... But my stupid brain has decided I should like him... As in like like... (I feel like a fourth grader but I don't know a better way to word it). Anyway... we started talking over Facebook a lot. I mean like every day whenever we have spare time. He consistently messages me after work almost every night. (Which is a pain because it keeps me up late.) If he did like me in that kind of way it would be super cute... He however does not.
We are friends. Best friends according to him but still just friends. And I mean, I'm cool with that. I have no physical attraction to him, he's actually kind of gross. But I don't know why it bothers me sometimes. And he has a girlfriend. Which is cool. I'm sure she's amazing. He deserves someone amazing you know?
I feel sick to my stomach right now just thinking about him.There is nothing there and I know that and I don't want to ruin our friendship but I feel like I am... I mean I asked if I could meet his girlfriend today. And he sent me a message on his break asking if I had even known he had one... Which I had. So that was good. But I don't know... I feel like if I had a boyfriend and he had a friend who was girl and they were super close, like best friends, I would be kind of suspicious... And I would most definitely want to meet her. So I figured common courtesy would suggest, I as the friend, meet the girlfriend.... I don't know? Am I dumb? Did I blow it?
I think I feel sick to my stomach because I changed my mind and I don't want to meet her. I don't want to know who she is. I don't want to see how perfect they are together. I don't want to see them happy. I'm scared of what she'll think of me. What if we can't hang out anymore? What if she thinks I'm stealing Sam from her?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I just want to scream.
I hate this.
Boys are dumb.
Don't fall in love. From what I can see it isn't worth it.
Ugh.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why but I am... Really. Truly. I am.

With all my love,

Missy

Dear Kometa,
How do you stop liking someone? I've never been good at that step. I always like guys for like forever and it takes so long to change my mind.
I want to know Sam and he's just a friend. That's all it can be. I don't want to get married or have a boyfriend. This should be easier. I shouldn't like him.
It's just everyday as we talk and he makes me smile and laugh it gets harder and harder to tell myself all we are is friends. He wants to be my third favourite person. He wants to hangout. He wants to spend time with me.
I've never had a friend that was a guy... Especially not like this. It's harder than I thought. Ugh... I don't know what to do. How do I keep talking to him but keep myself from liking him too much?

With all my love,

Missy